What happens when a party turns hard?

It’s important that we include the side of parties we don’t generally think about, the experience of having a hard time. It happens more than we think. In fact, I bet many of us have gone through hard times at an event.

While some of us were having heart-opening, mind-expanding experiences that were totally reconfiguring our capacity for love, others were experiencing things like contraction, shut down, shame, fear and other very challenging emotions and sensations that arise when we get triggered.

As lead on the support team I want to name that emotional triggers happen. And, many times they are small, but sometimes they are big. This can especially be true in settings when we’re exploring intimacy and sensual connection. Even more true when we have partners, lovers, or exes in the space. Basically, the more layers of complexity we introduce to an experience, the more opportunities we have for this material to arise.

Small triggers can feel like slight repulsion, avoiding a person, or a yearning feeling. Big triggers can be traumatic responses from past events triggered by current events.

While experiencing triggers is a natural part of life and ultimately can be an amazing opportunity for us to investigate and integrate pieces of ourselves that need attention and care, they can also be quite overwhelming, scary and in some extreme cases dangerous as they’re happening.

As a community and as individuals, we can be mindful of a few simple things to help these situations stay constructive rather than destructive.  Here are some tips both to help us prepare ourselves as well as for what to do if we notice people in need of support.

1. Before showing up to an event that you know or even suspect could be challenging for you, take time to consider past experiences and look for common patterns or themes. It might help to write these out or speak of them to a trusted witness for the sake of getting clarity. Once clear, you can create a care plan for yourself.
2. Designate someone to be your buddy for the event. This could be a friend, lover, partner or even someone you meet and have a solid connection with early on. What are your agreements and what do you need? It’s important to specify in advance the kinds of support you’re asking them to provide. Is it set check-ins? Physical touch? Taking a walk? Offering you specific words? Holding space for you to vent or cry? Tracking you throughout the event? Negotiate this clearly and make sure your buddy truly is willing and able to show up.
3. If you know a friend or partner that you're at the event with has a history of getting deeply triggered, stay aware of their state throughout the event or other times when you’re connecting with others. Agreeing to a set check-in schedule is helpful but also staying attuned and tracking this person all throughout helps to create a safer experience.  
4. Make it safe and acceptable to interrupt you if a friend or partner needs you. Verbally stating something as simple as “Hey, I care about you and I want you to know it’s really ok for you to come to me whenever needed, no matter what I’m doing” can be extremely reassuring in some instances. And if that isn’t your truth, predetermine and establish what is.
5. Triggers show themselves differently in different people at different moments. Sometimes someone may be obviously upset - verbalizing, crying, shaking, etc. Other times they may dissociate and appear very withdrawn and even frozen. If you see someone who you are concerned about, whether or not you’re in direct connection with them, check in. You can do so yourself or you can call on support from designated community members who are here to assist in exactly these moments.

Also, continue to be kind to yourselves. Post bliss event-drop is a thing. Please reach out, you’re not alone.

Much love,
Misha
with major contributions from Darshana Avila of darshanaavila.com
​and Romi Elan of soulplayfestival.com